No numbers appeared on the machine, even though it had been fed multiple quarters. Shauna Rae loosed a whining gasp and stamped her foot. The thoughtless machine deprived her of the only thing that would make her feel better, a package of her favorite chocolate cookies. She turned to appeal to the clerk at the snack bar and caught the snap of the clerk’s head, a willful act of avoidance.
Shauna Rae fought back tears. There had been enough crying. There had been that embarrassing scene in which she had thrown herself across her Dad’s body, tugging at the tubes and wires. That nasty nurse shouted at her and demanded her half-sisters remove her. Becca seemed all too happy to grab her in response, digging her nails into her arm. Immy had told Shauna Rae she had to “be brave for Dad.”
Looking at the sagging face of Candy Grenholm, Shauna Rae had known those were her words and it stung to think everything was shifted. That special place in Candy’s favor that made Shauna Rae better than Immy and Becca no longer belonged to her. No one corrected Shauna Rae when she wailed that it was “all my fault.” They just stared at her.
Maybe they actually did think it was her fault. Maybe it actually was. She wasn’t there when Dad got in the car for work. She wasn’t with Candy on the other end of the phone hearing the crunch of the metal. She didn’t sneak off with the car like Becca did but, then, she knew about it and never told. Maybe Dad wouldn’t have been hurt and Becca would be grounded like she deserved if Shauna Rae had done the right thing.
Shauna Rae considered the candy machine and rejected giving it another chance to ruin what was left of her day. She turned and drifted towards the gift shop and the display of candy she’d noticed there. Of all things to think about on her way to see her Dad on the edge of death. Maybe she was a bad person after all and that was the problem. Maybe her overall badness just made bad things happen.
The snick of the front door opening for a family group caught Shauna Rae’s attention. Their faces were all turned to the hall before them as if they could see down into the hospital, to where their loved one lay. Their eyes never moved as they spoke. Outside, in their wake, a man stopped after waving them on and pulled out a cigarette, squinting in the sun. Shauna Rae felt just as left behind as he seemed to be, banished to the outside. She veered out the door and down along the sidewalk. The faster she moved, the more certain she felt that this was best for everyone. She had to move her badness away to where it couldn’t hurt Dad anymore.
